Cosima in the Middle
by You'rethePuppy
Summary: Cosima and Delphine plan a night out at an expensive restaurant, but things quickly take a turn for the worst as Sarah and Kira request Cosima's help. But the help they have in mind inadvertently ruins our beloved Cophine's night by visiting them. Eventually, everyone coincidentally joins them under different circumstances. AU. Spoilers for season 1. Not to be taken seriously.
1. Chapter One: Perfect Night Ruined

**A/N: So it's been awhile since I've written a story, so I apologize for the spelling/grammatical errors. This is going to be a short, comedic story on Orphan Black. (If you haven't watched it, get off FanFiction and watch.) This is kind of AU - it's going to be set during season 2 but with a few things changed with every character. Eventually, every character in Orphan Black will join in this story and basically ruin Cophine's night. Should be fun. xD I'll try my best to stay in character, but if there's anything that can be changed, suggestions/reviews are always welcome!**

**Also, there will be areas/things that are made up because I'm too lazy to research the setting of Orphan Black.**

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Cosima was nervous, but weed helped. As she and Delphine walked into the entrance of _Le Chiot_, she couldn't help but feel that this was a bad idea. Dr. Leekie had granted them permission to leave her clone prison, and she was the first to take advantage of the situation. It didn't take long, as she looked around the crowded, bustling restaurant, to deeply regret coming.

Delphine noticed her uneasiness and couldn't help but hide her surprise. She asked, "Are you all right, _mon amour_?" She figured that if she spoke French to her, Cosima would loosen up a bit.

Just glancing at Delphine, Cosima genuinely smiled. Her partner had put on high black boots and a sexy purple dress that reached her knees that brought out the golden fluffiness of her hair. Could her hair be any more alluring? There was just so…much of it.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she replied, smiling again. She had worn black boots as well and her signature red jacket over a black tank top with white flowers on it. "I just feel a bit underdressed." She honestly didn't know what she had been smoking, besides weed, to wear the outfit she had strapped on. Over the past few days, anxiety had begun slowly taking over her ever since she saw the video of Jennifer Fitzsimmons and had to perform an autopsy on basically herself. Wrapping one arm around Delphine's, she put on a brave front and said, "You ready to get soooo baked?"

Delphine gave her a quizzed look. "I thought we were coming here to eat?" She looked in front of her and saw at least two dozen round tables with white table cloths over them and wine glasses all around. The ceiling was high and in an opal shape that had a myriad of bright lanterns hanging from it. The people were dressed incredibly fancy, either in tuxedos or expensive dresses. She then looked behind her at the sign etched in wood that read 'Le Chiot' and she almost snorted with laughter. "_The Puppy"_?" One eyebrow raised, she gave Cosima a playful nudge and said, "How much did you pay the owners here to have that put there?"

Cosima gave out a fake, shocked gasp. "_That's_ what this place is called? I thought it meant 'The Chariot'!"

While the two young women laughed, they were led to a small table towards the back near a large fireplace. Like Cosima wanted, it was just a place for two; she was not expecting any one else to interrupt them. Plus, the area was the perfect place to smoke; it was secluded and the fireplace gave off a pungent but sweet smell that permeated in the air.

Clearing her throat, which almost gave Delphine a mini heart attack, Cosima slowly took off her red jacket, sat down, and then opened the large black menu that had a list of the foods in French. She nearly groaned, then remembered that her girlfriend spoke French, and she smiled again. Her smile faded when she felt a cough creeping up her throat. Turning her head to the side and covering her mouth with the nice napkin that had once been the shape of dog ears, she coughed into it twice.

"Cosima!" Delphine exclaimed with worry. She stood up to help her, but Cosima waved her off in an 'I'm fine' gesture. Delphine new better, though. She sat back down and gave her girlfriend sad eyes that would've been described as a 'sad puppy look'.

There was blood on the napkin, but Cosima quickly folded it up and gave Delphine a reassuring look from across the table.

"Sorry about that," she said. Her cheeks were red with embarrassment, but she feared it was also because she was sick. "Let's just order some wine and then I'll roll a joint."

"I can't believe you're serious about that," Delphine responded disapprovingly. She frowned, mostly with worry from the previous incident, but she didn't want to discourage her. Cosima deserved this night out, and she was going to make sure she had one of the best nights ever.

"Okay, let's order the…_Chiot á Queue Blanche…_whatever that is."

"White-tailed Puppy?" Delphine looked at her menu. "You're making that up…oh wait, it's really in here." She looked up and gave a wide smile that made Cosima's heart melt. "Is everything here puppy-themed?"

"I did a lot of research, but yeah. Apparently the owner has an obsession with poodles." She beamed at Delphine and did that 'tongue thing' that Delphine always loved. Just seeing her across the table made Delphine want to reach over and kiss her, even if people saw. Sensing her desire, Cosima wanted to as well, and the two slowly leaned over the table and…

Cosima's phone started to ring, putting everything to a halt and basically pissing the two women off.

"Shit," Cosima said, and gave Delphine an apologetic look before she looked at her phone. Looking at the caller ID, she knew she had to take the call. Once again, she mouthed 'I'm sorry' and then answered the call with, "What do you want, Sarah?"

"Nice to talk to you too, Cos," Sarah answered. Cosima hated that nickname. What if she were to call Sarah 'Sar' all the time? With the mood she was in now, she had a painful urge to.

"I-I'm kind of busy," Cosima replied, flustered. The waiter came over and she saw Delphine order the wine she wanted, which put her in a better mood. "Is everything all right?"

"Kira and I need a place to crash. I can't trust anyone, Cos. I don't even feel right going over to Felix's loft right now."

"I'm at the Dyad Institute."

"Like shite you are. My phone says you're at some restaurant downtown."

"You're tracking me?!"

"Not the point here. Can we just go over to where you are and grab a bite to eat?" Sarah asked. She sounded desperate but also at the same time, in charge. Cosima never knew how she could sound so calm yet panicky all at once. She knew Sarah would climb tall mountains for Kira – anything for her - and Cosima envied that.

"I'm sorry, Sarah, but I'm out with Delphine right now, okay? What about that Cal guy? Can't you stay the night with him?"

"I can't trust him, even if Kira says otherwise."

"Kira's a smart girl," Cosima replied quietly. She looked up at Delphine and thought she saw a knowing look from her. Ignoring it, she added, "I'm not sure how I can help."

"We'll just come over and eat something real quick, yeah?"

"No, that's not a good idea…oh bullshit, she hung up!" Cosima nearly threw her phone on the ground, but she knew it would draw attention. Sighing with exasperation, she leaned back in her chair, stretched her arms out then folded them behind her head. "Things might get weird," she told Delphine with a weak smile.

"Why? Is something the matter?"

Though it was like the fifth time, Cosima gave her an apologetic look and answered, "Sarah and Kira are coming."


	2. Chapter Two: Distrust and Jealousy

**A/N: Not sure how I feel about how this chapter turned out. But, your thoughts and suggestions are always welcome! Again, this is not to be taken seriously and this is just going to be a short story, fast-paced and not heavily detailed (because I suck with descriptions). **

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Delphine didn't understand the situation. "This is an American prank?" she asked, her French accent thicker than ever. Her smile wavered as confusion slowly sank in.

Cosima readjusted her glasses and replied, "I wish. But knowing Sarah, if she has her mind set on something, it'll happen. She and her daughter are coming here." She sighed deeply and leaned back in her chair. "Doesn't she know that this might confuse the people here if they were to see us?" She gestured to the people in the restaurant, though they were far away.

Delphine bit her bottom lip and her eyebrows furrowed as she thought. "Perhaps she knows that if she is in a public place, she will be safe? Still, it is rather rash…" She then muttered something in French under her breath, most likely a frustrated curse.

With disappointment etched plainly on both of their faces, Cosima and Delphine sat in awkward silence. Eventually, their expensive bottle of wine came, and when it did, Cosima had nearly knocked everything over so she could pour herself a glass. Light conversation ensued after, but their hearts weren't really into it; they were anxiously waiting for Sarah and Kira to come ruin their night.

And it didn't take long. Within fifteen minutes, Sarah appeared wearing black pants that looked worn out and a blue tank underneath her blue and black plaid jacket. Her dark brown hair was a mess and unkempt, and her right hand was held tightly onto Kira's as if she was going to vanish into thin air any second.

Kira was a much better sight. Her curly dirty blonde hair was disheveled but it looked natural for her, unlike her mother who looked almost like a wild woman who just escaped from a mental institute. She wore dirty brown khakis and a red sweatshirt, but she was also more composed than her mother.

"Sarah, are you okay?" Cosima asked, worried as she stood up from her seat. She eyed the people around them but no one really paid attention; they were too busy eating their $100 food. "You look like you've been running."

Breathlessly, Sarah answered, "I'm fine, Cos. Feel like everyone's chasin' us, but I can handle it." Like always, she sounded confident and in control, but Cosima noticed the edge on her voice. Of course, Sarah had to sound strong in front of her daughter. She pulled a seat from another table and sat Kira down on it.

Delphine stared at Kira and couldn't help but smile. She caught Sarah's uneasy eye and said, standing, "Oh, my apologies. I'm Delphine." She reached out a hand, and Sarah looked at it suspiciously, then lamely shook it with no enthusiasm whatsoever. Already, there was a huge wall between the two, such was the nature of a clone and a monitor.

"Well this is nice," Cosima stated with dripping sarcasm. She sat back down again and cleared her throat. "Why don't you pull over a seat for yourself since you're already here?"

"'Kay," Sarah said as her stomach growled. She didn't take the hint that her presence really wasn't welcome. She pulled over a seat, much to the waiters' detests, and then joined the table. "So what have we ordered?"

"'We'?" Cosima asked, almost in a growl. A fake smile was planted on her face, and Sarah still couldn't sense that she was ruining their night.

As for Kira, she kept silent as she stared back at Cosima. Eventually, she said sweetly, "I like your glasses, Aunt Cosima."

That completely wiped all of the frustration, anger and disappointment that Cosima was feeling. She blushed, though she didn't know why she had in front of a child, and replied, "Thank you! Aw, you're adorable! Sarah, you truly are lucky to be able to – "

"Yeah, yeah, 'have a kid'. Can we not talk about genetics or science, yeah? I'm bloody starved. What're we havin'?"

Delphine chipped in, her mood lifted. "I think the duck sounds delicious. Would you and Kira like that?"

_What about me?_ Cosima thought, hurt.

Kira made a 'yuck' face and laughed. "That sounds gross!"

"Kira! Manners! We'll have whatever since you're paying." Sarah grinned, almost mischievously, at Delphine.

_Sarah doesn't like Delphine_, Cosima thought as she kept glancing at the two. _Is it because she knows she's my monitor? Sometimes I forget that she is… _She then recalled the time when Sarah told her to 'stay away from Delphine'. Whoops.

"And I think these appetizers look scrummy," Sarah suggested as she examined the menu with feigned knowledge of what she was reading. Meanwhile, Kira was drawing with crayons and paper that she had brought in a backpack.

"You don't even know French," Cosima said wryly as she sank into her chair. She crossed her arms and exhaled sharply. A light touch on her arm from Delphine from across the table made her smile, but still, her night was ruined. She didn't mind Sarah at all, in fact she admired her, but she just _had_ to pick this night to bother her. Couldn't she have requested help about something 'sciency'?

Just ten minutes later, five out of the seven appetizers offered had been ordered, and no one had asked for Cosima's input. It seemed Delphine really wanted Sarah to like her and/or trust her, so she kept nodding politely and laughing at all the bullshit she would spew out of her mouth.

"Kira and I almost went to France before but the people there seem really snobby, so we didn't go" Sarah said, purposely looking at Delphine. "Isn't that right, Monkey?"

"No," Kira answered quite simply." She sounded bored yet incredibly perceptive. Her drawing started to shape out to be a human figure.

Cosima cleared her throat. "So, Sarah, will you and Kira be leaving soon? Not like I don't enjoy your company, but you did kinda want to come here to eat, right? We're kind of on...er, well a date."

"Yeah, sorry Cos, really. I didn't know where else to go. And we need a place to stay," Sarah reminded her. This time she sounded desperate.

"Aunt Cosima doesn't like us being here," Kira said, almost in a whisper.

That broke Cosima's heart. "Oh, no, sweetie! That's not true!"

"We would love you two to stay," Delphine added. She rubbed Cosima's arm in a sympathetic gesture.

"I feel underdressed," Sarah admitted sheepishly. Cosima had to bite her tongue to keep herself from responding something snarky.

"You look lovely," Delphine told her, and a pang of jealousy hit Cosima.

"Who are you running from?" Cosima asked after she downed a glass of the wine. She really needed to get buzzed, and with Kira here, smoking marijuana was out of the question.

"Let's talk about something else, yeah?" She glanced at Kira quickly, indicating that she didn't want her daughter to know anything that would lead her to believe that they were in any slight danger.

Before Cosima had the chance to change the subject on Evo-Devo, an unfamiliar yet familiar woman appeared behind Sarah.

"Hello, Sestra."


	3. Chapter Three: Shakira

**A/N: Thanks for the faves and follows, guys! It's nice to know that people are reading this. Would love to hear some thoughts/suggestions! I was lazy with the grammatical/spelling errors on this one, so sorry for the mistakes.**

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"Holy watershed…it's Shakira!" Cosima then took a double take and automatically took back her statement, for it was none other than another clone. The Shakira look-a-like had a far worse appearance than Sarah's: a green oversized jacket and ripped jeans, messy blonde hair with awful roots, and she looked like she hadn't slept for days with the redness around her eyes. Already her unexpected presence was drawing people's attention; they kept muttering "Shakira" and gawked at her.

"Helena! What are you doing here?" Sarah demanded as she jumped from her seat. She absentmindedly put a firm hand on Kira's shoulder as if protecting her. Meanwhile, Cosima and Delphine kept glancing at Sarah and then Helena, and then back to Sarah, trying to process everything.

"Auntie Helena!" Kira exclaimed happily, and she jumped up as well and gave the other clone a hug. Sarah's eyeballs nearly came out of their eye sockets, but her posture was a little less manic, more timid, as she watched the two greet each other.

"Hello child," the clone replied, rather affectionately and also with a strong Ukrainian accent as she knelt down to embrace Kira.

"Sarah…is this the 'killer clone'?" Cosima warily asked in a hushed tone. While Delphine drew in a surprised gasp, Helena shot daggers from her eyes at Cosima.

"I have name," she grumbled. She then sniffed like a dog and added, "This nice place. I eat now with sestras."

"Wait what?" Cosima tried to protest but Delphine cleared her throat.

"I don't think that's a bad idea, do you?" she asked as she looked at her partner.

_Oh now you want my input,_ Cosima mentally pouted. Begrudgingly, she shrugged weakly and leaned back in her chair again. Putting on a fake smile, she said, "So, you're Helena. Sarah hasn't really spoken much about you." _Besides bad things_, she added to herself.

Helena didn't look hurt at all; instead, her hungry eyes stared at the basket of bread that was being delivered to them. Before the basket could even be put down on the table, she snatched a loaf of bread and literally jammed it in her mouth.

"Good God," Cosima blurted out with wide eyes. Sarah gave her an embarrassed look while Kira giggled quietly. Delphine was quiet as she stared at Helena. It bothered Cosima that she couldn't read her face. What was she thinking in that beautiful head of hers?

As if the food had calmed her down, Helena said, "It is nice to meet you, science sestra." Her mouth was still full with bread; it was almost a miracle that she could be understood as she continued to chew like a wild animal. The women gaped at her, though Sarah seemed less fazed about her twin's disgusting habits.

"Oh, um, me?" Cosima pointed to herself. Her stomach growled as Helena kept stuffing her face. Hesitatingly, she replied, "Yeah, same here." She then muttered, "I think." She poured herself another glass of wine.

Completely oblivious to everyone's horrified looks, Helena kept talking mid-chew. "This food is good."

"Yeah, now _this_ is a five-star restaurant, meathead," Sarah said with a small smile forming on her face. Cosima didn't understand why she was insulting the clone that had once targeted them. Clearly she was missing something.

Nodding, the Shakira-clone replied, "I like restaurant we went to before better." She and Sarah exchanged warm looks which baffled Cosima.

"Look, I drew you!" Kira said proudly as she nudged Helena. In her hands was the drawing she had been making, only it was complete this time. And it did look like her, only the outfit was different; instead of a jacket, she was in a poorly-drawn dress.

Everyone around the table murmured compliments, but Helena looked especially touched. "Thank you, child. This is beautiful." She looked like she was going to tear up.

_Maybe she's not the clone who had been killing us,_ Cosima thought.

"Helena, what do you do for a living?" Delphine asked pleasantly, trying to strike up a conversation.

_She stalks me and kills anyone who tries to harm me,_ Sarah thought wryly. She gave her twin an encouraging smile. "Yeah, what _do_ you do?"

"I protect my sestras," Helena answered unblinkingly. She had just finished the last loaf of warm bread, much to everyone's dismay. "And my brother sestra." Her brown eyes then pierced Delphine's. "From anyone who gets in way."

Delphine looked unnerved, but she hid it well – not in front of Cosima, though; she could easily read her now. It was clear Delphine was intimidated yet fascinated by Helena, but her intentions were still unknown.

Sensing the tension, Sarah chimed in. "Let's not do or say anything hurtful, yeah?" She gestured to Kira who was drawing again. "Let's just enjoy our food."

"There is more food?" Helena asked, her curiosity piqued as she wildly looked around. Cosima sighed deeply and took off her glasses. She then pinched the bridge of her noise and closed her eyes, trying to maintain a calm disposition. She was incredibly frustrated by all of the interruptions. Could this night get any worse?

Their appetizers finally came, and when the waiter asked what they would like to eat as entrees, they each ordered something that was cheap. Except Helena.

"I'll have the…'Chien Beurré. What is that exactly?" Cosima asked. It was less than thirty dollars so she figured she would get that.

"That is the buttered dog," Delphine answered for her, stifling a laugh.

"Oh. Is that, like…real dog?"

"No," the waiter replied dully. He seemed annoyed at the fact that Helena had made a complete mess with the bread; there were crumbs everywhere.

"Great. I'll have that."

Sarah ordered the duck that she had mentioned earlier, which she was going to share with Kira, and Delphine agreed to share Cosima's food. Helena, however, ordered three different soups, a large salad, and the 'Dog's Ears'.

"I may be broke after this," Delphine joked.

"I'm helping you pay," Cosima told her, and the two held hands underneath the table.

"You won't have enough," Kira suddenly stated quietly, still invested in her drawing. She hadn't even looked up.

The table was quiet. No one knew how to react. Even Sarah didn't know what to say whenever Kira would say anything anonymous. She mentally shrugged it off, thinking nothing of it, and so did the other clones. Delphine, on the other hand, secretly took of a note of Kira's strange behavior and stared at her with captivation and admiration.

"So…does anyone want to smoke some weed?"

"Cosima!" Sarah growled.

"Oh! I'm so sorry. I keep forgetting Kira's here….she's so quiet!"

"Weed is no good for you. You pull out weed instead so flowers will grow."

"No, Helena, that's not what I –"

"That's _exactly_ what she meant," Sarah butt in with a warning look at Cosima from across the table.

"I know what marijuana is, Mommy," Kira said innocently. Sarah looked at her incredulously. Delphine cleared her throat, looking uncomfortable. Cosima sank deeper in her chair, mortified, and Helena kept eating.

"Did Cal tell you this?" Sarah asked, her voice nearly screeching which reminded Cosima of Alison. Sarah dug out of cell phone and furiously punched on the keypad. "I'm gonna call that arsehole and…"

"Oh, God, no. Please, Sarah, we don't need anyone else coming over here!" Cosima begged.

"Sestra, watch your language in front of the child," Helena scolded Sarah.

"Maybe we should all take a deep breath," Delphine suggested nervously. People were starting to stare over at their distant and disorderly table.

Sarah was a second away from snapping at Delphine but an excited cry from Kira stopped her in her tracks.

"Look, it's Uncle Felix!"

And she was right. From about twenty feet away were Felix and another man sharing their own private table. They had just entered and hadn't even noticed the 'Clone Club' table.

Sarah had a mischievous look on her face, her anger completely wiped clean off her face. She grinned and whispered, "I say we interrupt them, yeah, Cos?"

"Oh, go ahead," Cosima said sarcastically. "You seem to be on a roll with that tonight." Not realizing that Sarah actually meant it, and that she could possibly blow their clone cover, Sarah stood up.

"Oh shit, she's actually going over there."


End file.
